Four Faced Liar

Time goes ticking by.

Every writer and dreamer in history has had the impulse to put this phrase in ink. The words pour, senselessly, out of my fingertips, onto the pages, dancing on the blinking bright screen. Printed letters are only massive clichés in ink or dotting across the radiance in black and blue, punching out my eyes with their lame excuses for skill. Well, cliché needs a voice too, so fuck you, when I can’t find the best grooming methods for my maddening thoughts. So I’m a tad too far behind the rest of everyone’s beautiful prose and killer poetry. My thoughts are just as real and lifelike with the mundane as anyone’s. They swirl voraciously through my skull. I must capture them, yes, but I can’t and I don’t, so I waste this beauty and all my enlightenment. It swells and burns in my brain and explodes onto my soul.

Damn right, it makes a mark.

Notice this sparkling tattoo on my heart? I’ve let every gorgeous moment’s brilliance bleed into me and every poisonous pain stain these pumping cells. Drip by drip the days make their impressions through years of elation and soaring seconds or hours of torturous prodding, poking, pushing needles deeper into my swollen, collapsing veins of lifeline. Each next time claiming too much space taken now for the world’s design shining on my heart and creeping into my ventricles from healthy, pulsing pink to black and tarnished.

Oh, never again, I’ll promise myself, and I end up sinking to the little bits of color and prose that have seeped out from the wild beating of hearts making me vulnerable and exposed beneath the thinnest layers of my transparent skin. Pale and luminous, it flaps and the writing never fails or dulls in the blinding sun.  Don’t dwindle away when my moods turn on me like a passing cloud to the blinding summer sun. The winds howl and shift to elsewhere while you left me burning under high noon rays. Such sweltering ideas writhe away into darkness before I’m ready and the big orange ball sets prematurely against the brilliant, purple sky and I run desperately towards the horizon, trying in vain to scoop it up in my arms before the screams are never heard and the setting star, dancing towards the end of the world, is lost and then worst, is forgotten. I run blindly down my long, empty hallway in complete blackout depression as the night swallows me in my sadness without the capture of the escaping dusk that is sinking away into the twinkling of twilight. Stars collide into a panier of polka dots across the darkness of this sky but are only concealed behind this city’s fog and artificial afternoon. 

Someone tell me, where is my brilliance?

I have spent twenty six years in the blackness of midnight, stumbling along the edge of night’s mystique and grappling for the light switch. How do they do it? Where’s my command over my on/off switch? I know I’ll never find it in your brilliant blue eyes, wide with wonder and unwavering steady truth. Immediately my night is illuminated and I’m squinting my eyes just to keep walking steady. How can anyone pause and just flick off the swtich when there are opportunities to take life to the extremes and shine so brightly in all the appropriate moments? Waiting for when? Waiting for whom? For what? For another girl to take it down to dull when the moment calls for more composure?

I have never known you to keep it together in the darkness of evening’s sexy swaying pulse.

I have never let anyone deep enough to know how to begin.

I have never truly smiled fully from my toenails to my eyebrows.

I have never been so afraid and so ready to dive into the night and let the rhythm take us for a wander.

I have never seen anyone so beautiful peering back at me over his glass of courage.

I have never once decided to wise up and let a moment pass.

I have never lied before like I have just now.

I have never discovered complete command of my illumination and imagination.

I have never believed I would have ever succumbed to the ebb and flow of life’s whole and complete beauty.

I have never wanted anything more than I want to be myself, in this moment, with you, right now.

I believe I have lost all and complete control.